Sometimes I Wish
by Lrigelbbub
Summary: [TyKa] It doesn't matter how much you wish for somthing, it can never erase a day and you can never take back all the things that you've said.


DISCLAIMER: I don't own Beyblade  
  
A/N: I was listening to.....something....can't remember now but I was hit with some inspiration. And, well when I (finally) get inspiration I must write it down straight away or I loose my train of thought...which is why, I guess a lot of my longer chapters are somewhat disjointed – because it takes me serval days to write them and quite often I get stuck halfway through and come back to finish it many months later.......anyways.......  
  
Also I noticed that a couple of people asked if RainStorm was a OneShot......it was intended to be one – but perhaps one day I may continue it....what do you think?  
  
Dedication: To Ranma, who always has the nicest things to say about my style. I hope that you like it.  
  
SOMETIMES I WISH  
  
Sometimes I just wish that I had never met him. Nothing good has come from our meeting. Not a friendship....well not a real one anyway, A friendship is a caring relationship between two beings. I wouldn't exactly call him caring. He doesn't even care about blading, just the thrill of a win and the challenge in finding someone worthy to oppose him; though I can not deny that I have seen a change in him over the years. It is obvious that he has learnt to value his blade and the sacred creature housed within it. The fire phoenix; Dranzer, I know that he respects the beast. I wish he would respect me as much.  
  
Sometimes I think that I know him, you know? Like I am finally being privy to the workings of the great Hiwatari Kai's mind but then it's like he realises that his wall is fading and then he withdraws into himself. Thrusts himself away from me and resurrects the armour ten fold.  
  
I think that is what is most upsetting; to know that he isn't relaxed around me or the others. That he always feels like he needs to be protected. That he must always have the façade up and running and the ice in tact in order to function. I just don't understand it. Why won't he trust us? Trust me? I wish that I knew the answer to that. I mean it isn't like that we are going to exploit him in some way. What are we going to do? I found out once that he hates fairy floss. I mean what does he think I am going to do with that snippet of information, pelt him with sweets and drown him in a fairy floss cloud? Highly unlikely, although the image that that thought conjured up was rather amusing.  
  
I know that he isn't perfect. Oh, he definitely looks the part. He can look like an angel but on the other hand be completely devious and the ultimate 'bad boy'. He just has this quality. I don't know what it is or ever how to explain it. But it just makes him ethereal and other worldly. But that is just the surface and he is more than that.  
  
So much more than a pretty face.  
  
I see it ever once in a while. And it is those moments that I like the most. It reminds me that he does put on a mask. That he isn't a god. He is human, just like me.  
  
He has flaws; things that he doesn't want others to know. And things that he is saddened by and actions that he has down that he is ashamed by. Sometimes he is just so silent, I think that the other forget he is in the room. I wish that I could do that. But I can't. I always know when he enters a room and when he leaves it again. It's like I have this sense or alternatively a 'Kai radar' and quite frankly it is annoying.  
  
I don't want to be so aware of him all the time. But I can't get rid off it, it's like it has a mind of its own and has decided that it likes me and is sticking around for a while.  
  
I'm so pathetic though, I think that I have probably memorised every single thing he has ever said to me and it is quite likely that I have remembered other things that he has said. And I have this list in my head that is filled with things about Kai.  
  
I watch him continuously. I remember everything. I watch the way he reacts to certain things and to different circumstances and what he does in various situations. I file it away in my memory as something to dredge up later and contemplate.  
  
I know Kai, and the others as well for that matter, don't think that a whole lot goes on between my ears and they'd be right in a some instances.  
  
Kai.  
  
He is about the only thing that fills my head. I think about precious few things; Kai, sleep, food, blading, Kai, beyblades, Kai, food, Dragoon oh and did I mention Kai.  
  
I know that I too have many flaws, way too many to count, but I think my biggest flaw; my greatest mistake – was falling in love with my captain.  
  
Yep, I did it. The most stupidest thing I could have ever done in my whole entire life. I fell in love with Kai; an emotionally stunted – taciturn – metaphorical mask wearing - wall resurrecting - ice man. I am definitely a glutton for punishment.  
  
I mean not only did I fall for a guy; I fell for that kind of guy. I would explain what 'that kind' was only I didn't know quite how to explain it. He was just simply Kai.  
  
And I was a fool.  
  
Sometimes I wish I could take back all the things I've said; all of the complaining and the whining that I have done over the years. I wish I could take back all of the things I had shouted at him. And the things that I had said behind his back and when I knew he was within earshot, and of course all the things that I had blurted out to his face. I can remember clearly all of the shouting matches that we have participated in. Well, mostly I did all of the yelling, but what he does is much worse than bellowing at the tops of your lungs. His voice takes on this unnatural calm and it's just plain freaky. His rage is deceptive and I never know what to expect.  
  
His rage is ice cold and he has control over it, just like he has control over every other little single thing in his life. I think that he has learned to harness it and he wields it with a precision that is metaphorically fatal to all that comes across.  
  
Whereas on the other hand, my anger is white hot. It builds and builds until I finally explode. It uses me and I have no control. It makes me do things that I normally wouldn't have and it causes me to say things that I later regret.  
  
Like what I said this morning. He was barking orders at us. Badgering us to train and when one of us slipped up he made us all run around the block and let me tell you I do not live on a small block. So when I slipped up for the third time I ignored the glares sent my way by Rei and Max as they jogged past me on their way out of the courtyard. I sighed heavily and turned towards Kai. He had his back to me. Kenny was long gone, he had had a doctors appointment and so had disappeared over and hour earlier.  
  
"Why are you still here?" he asked of me.  
  
I straightened my back and I held my head high, "I am not running around anymore."  
  
"You know the rules."  
  
"Screw the rules!" I shouted at him.  
  
I saw his head jerk at the sound of the rage in my voice. Like I said, my rage makes me do things that I wouldn't normally consider doing.  
  
"Tyson," he said warningly.  
  
"No!" I shouted, "I refuse to follow the rules anymore. I refuse to run around the issue anymore. I am not going to do this anymore."  
  
"What?" he asked of me.  
  
I clamped my head over my big mouth. I couldn't believe I had said that out loud. I didn't mean to. I hadn't meant for it to sound like that. I felt my skin start to burn up and I just stood there staring at him. I must have looked like a deer caught in the headlights. I was petrified, 'had he picked up in the double meanings in my words'? I wondered. I thought it pretty obvious. But then again Kai was rather daft when it came to some aspects of life, like perhaps awareness of others. I prayed to all of the Gods that I could think of that he would just let it slide. I looked once more at him before I lowered my gaze. I prepared to dash past him and make a run for it. I hoped the burst of speed would catch him unawares. So as I past him, I wasn't expecting it and so when his hand clamped over my wrist and jerked me backwards I almost jumped out of my skin.  
  
"What did you mean by that?" he asked of me again.  
  
"N.....Noth.......Nothing," I finally managed to stutter out. I couldn't think straight. I could barely breathe. My heart was too busy chucking a party screaming, 'He's touching me, he's touching me!' to pay attention to my head yelling at it to shut up.  
  
"I don't believe you," he stated.  
  
I wrenched my arm out of his grip, "It doesn't matter, okay. Just forget it and let me forget you," I clamped my hand to my mouth again in shock. In my head I let loose a string of curses so foul that I daren't repeat them out loud.  
  
"What?" he screeched most uncharacteristically.  
  
I finally looked at him at the sound of that outburst.  
  
He coughed and cleared his throat and then repeated his question, "What in the hell did you mean by that?"  
  
"Nothing," I repeated my previous answer.  
  
"Well, I definitely don't believe you now."  
  
"Don't worry about it Kai, it's my problem I'll deal with it."  
  
"What problem? Tell me!"  
  
"No. For the love of Pete, you are not my mother and contrary to your belief you do not know everything and you do not need to know everything."  
  
He raised an eyebrow, silently asking me to explain what I meant.  
  
"Just let it be. There are some things in this world that you might not want to know."  
  
"Well don't I get a choice in what I want or not."  
  
"No. I mean yes. I mean no. No you don't."  
  
"Right," he said sarcastically, purposely extending the word so it sounded like it had two syllables instead of just the one.  
  
"Look, just leave me alone. "  
  
Why?"  
  
"So I can get over you!" I shouted absolutely exasperated. What was with him, bejesus, he is never this inquisitive.  
  
He took a step back from what I can only guess was shock at my admission.  
  
"Oh shit," I mumbled, I stepped around him and walked as calmly as I could towards the gates of the Dojo. As I reached them I turned back and looked over my shoulder at him. I knew that I shouldn't have but I did. He was still facing the direction I had left him in but he had sunken down to the ground and was resting on his knees. I wished then I could see his face. Was it shock, disgust, rage or joy that shone in his fiery eyes at the moment?  
  
So now, I sit on the swing in the park down the street from my place with tears in my eyes, thinking about all the stupid things I have done in my relatively short life. And I pondered about the most idiotic thing I had ever done asides from falling in love with Kai; the fact that I all but said that I was in love with him – to his face no less. I heaved a sigh and swung my legs back and forth as I continued to drape myself over the swing.  
  
How was I ever going to look at him again, let alone talk to him? I had totally embarrassed myself and it wasn't the kind of thing you could just take back.  
  
No matter how hard I wished what had happened today would not be forgotten and it didn't matter how long I prayed and to which Gods; none of them would swallow this day for me. I was stuck with the gigantic mess that I created by opening my big mouth and not keeping my anger in check.  
  
It was nearing nightfall and I just stayed there in that park. I just couldn't gather enough courage to lift myself out of that swing. It was like I felt it was protecting me; a symbol of youth and a source of childish laughter. I felt safe in its arms. Things were so much easier when I was younger. Things seemed so much simpler. But then all the feelings came and I'm plagued by them. I just wish I could be rid of all of them. They keep me awake at night and haunt my dreams.  
  
They say love is a beautiful thing but I think that that is crap. Whomever it was that wrote that little quote obviously had never been in love with someone that either did not know of their love or was unable or unwilling to return it. Sure to be loved might be a wonderful thing but then again unrequited love is an absolute bitch.  
  
I sat there till the stars came out to play and that's when I lifted my tired eyes and I saw him; standing not ten meters away, wrapped in a blue coat, his trademark white scarf billowing out behind him, teased by the light breeze.  
  
"Hey," he murmured.  
  
I just watched him as he came closer, my mouth open and my eyes wide.  
  
He reached out his hand to me and after examining it cautiously I tentatively reached out my own and sighed softly at the warmth I felt as he folded my hand inside his own. He gave me a slight tug and I stood up, leaving the cacoon of childhood memories behind. He led me away into the night, a smile pulling gently at his lips as he squeezed my hand.  
  
"Why?" I questioned softly. I couldn't help myself I had to know the reason as to why he had come in search of me.  
  
"Sometimes I wish as well."  
  
What a wonderful answer.  
  
And I smiled at that.  
  
A/N: I hope that you like it. I realise that it probably sounds similar to RainStorm – sorry --;; it was not intentional.  
  
Be safe  
  
-BG 


End file.
